maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
