she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
