My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
