It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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