marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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