so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
