i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
