Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
