I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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