I wish I could punch you in the face.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
