Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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