Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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