After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
