People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You should frame my arrest warrant.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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