you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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