I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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