I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
