I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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