I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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