You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
