you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
