I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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