My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So many bounce houses so little time
Houston, we have a squirter
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
