I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
