You're my little dorito
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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