my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
