I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
