oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
