Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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