He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
