It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
