i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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