Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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