I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
