This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
