I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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