Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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