I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
