Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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