Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
