she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
