i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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