Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize