did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
