He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
