Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
