just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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