"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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