one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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