I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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