I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize