Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
