i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
