Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
