if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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