If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
