i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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