ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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