Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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