I heard we made out
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
