i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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