i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
