I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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