I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
