my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I need a burrito and a hug.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
