I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
