She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
