Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
