my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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