R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
